our love is a dead flower.

♥Friday, October 14, 2011

@ 5:38 PM

Well, Mum isn't home yet and going to leave work in another 20 mins. Well I guess I was slowly forgetting you and treating you as a friend. Like rarely msging you now. Came to island to collect my pass and ended going drinking with you and the rest. Said a couple of fucked up things when I was drunk that I regret. Anyways found out that you had feelings for another guy. Didnt affect me as much as I thought. But since then its like you're kinda give me the cold shoulder. O well I guess it might be awkward to talk like a normal friend. And I just don't like that awkwardness. Maybe I'll try to break it

Today Kimmy kept asking me about you and I said we are friends...well sort of. But then she keep pushing and asking if I had any feelings for you. The answer would have been a no but she kept asking all other questions and now i'm going back to being confused.....

Hate this feeling honestly. Well if I go drinking tonight maybe I'll just keep a distance from you. Nothing against you but I'm just trying to fix myself.

Planning to got batam at the end of the year with nazmi , calvin, shakir and gerard. Really need this trip. Need to get away from all this family problems and girl problems. Miss the waves and surfing. O well Mum's still not home. Been more than a week and really miss her. But guess this is somethings I can't share too :):) Haha thank god people think my blog has changed.... O well I promised I will cut down on my drinking and I swear as soon as I can feel high I'll stop. God thanks for bringing me back to you. For now I can ask for no more than your acceptance. This time I promise I will stay. I'm never running away again. I'll be here for the good times and the bad

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Wednesday, October 12, 2011

@ 11:46 PM

Never been in a long time and my mum is living with my grandma again. Banned from going there. Mum I hope you can come home fast. I really miss you. You're the only reason I keep going back to the so called home I have. I just really miss you and hope you come back soon. I just wish God will give sympathy on me and my mum and allow me to see her. She has been my best friend for so long and I could tell her anything. And now shes staying so far away and I cant even see her. Mum please don't hate me too. You're the closest I have to a family. I promise to stop going out so late and making you worried. I just want you back in my life.....Please mum don't hate me and please get me away from these people as soon as possible. Really hate talking about the sad things in my life. Most of my friends cant stand all this so I try to keep myself happy. God you're the only one giving me strength to control and tolerate all this and I thank you. Just allow me to see my mum soon. I really miss her

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Tuesday, October 11, 2011

@ 1:33 AM

Its 1:33 am. Time for me to go sleep. Have made shit choices and stupid decisions for the past few weeks. Gotta stop hurting myself and blaming myself and God for these things. I'm sorry God I really am. Help me become stronger. I hope the people I have hurt today due to too much alcohol will forgive me. Might have scared some people too. For that i'm just truly sorry. Not easy going through all the shit at once.....

Making my journey once more. There will be pains and sufferings. But the Joy I will receive will be much more. Lord i Surrender to you once again. I was lost and now I want to come back. Give me those oppurtunites. I want you back in my life. I'm gona make a change. Time for me to take up my cross once more and stop complaining that its too heavy. It's to prepare me for what is about to come.

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Monday, October 10, 2011

@ 5:47 PM

Well Its 10 more mins to the end of work. My mum finally replied and I dont think shes coming home tonight. I think I'll just go home change and get out of that godforasken house. Just sit around the places I grew up with. Take my guitar along and my cigarettes. Go to these places and just play. Rock out like how I used to. Just trying to get inspirations of infusing songs or playing alternate versions of songs. Thats what I've missed and What I havent done in a long time. Just cigarettes and guitars.

I don't know where's life heading for me now. Feel so empty. Like how kimmy felt a few days ago I myself now feel soul less. Guess I lost it somewhere yesterday or left it there. Music heals all. If God does have a plan for me then well I'll just follow. Whether he leads me on a straight road to hell or a road to repentence, hell knows. At first I always thought I had the fear of being alone. But now being alone doesnt sound that bad. I dont need a girlfriend , I dont need flings, I dont need people hurting me again. I don't need friends who stab me in the heart like all you motherfuckers...... I want to walk this road alone. Its my cross to carry and I dont need help. I've been raised to be independent , to be on my own. I can do this on my own. Going to be a hurtful path but I'm dragging anyone with me this time. Some battles you have to fight alone. When you suffer there's when you find solutions how to escape all that pain

God If you still want to listen to me and my prayers. I just ask for my family's well being. I dont give two fucks about myself anymore. But if you could, find my soul for me. If you need help its the ones thats shattered into a million pieces. Just bringing back one piece would do

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥

@ 1:22 AM

Ya alright, most of my friends have said blogging is very girly and gay and me having a blog is just being a fag. Well these are those friends whom I cannot share what i'm really going through with. Don't have much friends like that because we always party and i'm always being the joker and making everyone happy. This is the only place I can let go all the frustrations and pain I'm feeling. So to those who think this is being gay well FUCK YOU! you don't know what I'm going through and you're not a fucking friend to help when you're friend is in need. For all those time you fuckers needed help I was there straight away and helped all I can and you can't even help me when i'm at my lowest!!!!! Fuck yourselves whoever call me their friends!!

I just need to let go everything and for those who are reading this and might get affected by this well I don't give fuck anymore or care anymore! I'm a souless god for nothing bastard !

Well me and diana broke up cause she wasn't the one for me anymore. We kept fighting over stupid stuff and we just couldnt work out. She hated my friends and didnt even want to get to know them! She got so pissed off over small things and I don't know if that would help me in the future! Diana if you're reading this! YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE WAY FUCKING BETTER THAN ME!!! I'm being serious and not trying to get fucking attention! You really can do better! the only reason your clinging on its cause you havent found the right person yet and we have been together for more than 2 yrs. Get over me ok cause I dont want that relationship anymore. I dont want the fights and arguements. When we get back you promise to compromise but it just goes bck to square 1. When kimmy helped us to get back with that long email you got so touched. And when we got back you hated her once more. Just let it go diana I had enough already! I'm telling you its really over! Find someone better you're too good for me!

After we broke up I met someone. Ya I know you're reading this and I dont care if you arent gona talk to me or gona hate me. Yes I liked Francesca.... Cause she was independent and could take care of small problems that came her way. I liked her but didnt say until nazmi and richard let the beans out. And ya we kinda dated but she was confused cause she also liked gerard! To be honest when diana left all those feelings went to her. It wasnt rebound its just she really got to me but she liked gerard too and was confused about her feelings. But I was ok with it. I was willing to give her time to think about everything. Honestly Fran, you played me. And i really mean it from the heart. You played me big time. I believed everything you said and I was so hooked onto you. I was ok that you mixed round alot with guys. All the things you told me I was ok. Gerard told me the shit the 2 of you did! YES HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING FROM THE CABS HOME WITH HIM AND HE STAYING OVER! I was so hurt you, honestly! If you didnt want it in the first place should have saved me the trouble and pain. When you said you were over gerard I thought that meant that you and me could have something. I WAS WILLING TO WAIT 6 MTHS! But then after you were over him, nth changed. Then after what everyone told me, I really thought that you and me had no future. I really really liked u!! you really don't understand how much I freaking liked u!! But its over and you wanted to stay friends! FYI! I DIDN'T MSG YOU WHEN YOU GOT MY TEXT ASKING IF I COULD COME ATTICA WITH U! GERARD TOOK MY PHONE TO MSG U THAT! I HATE CLUBS AND WHY WOULD I ASK IF I CAN COME IF I HATED THEM SO MUCH! You said you treasured our friendship and I guess it was put to the test when I really needed someone to talk to and you just wanted to sleep........ Its your life dude , you dont owe me anything and I guess you might I thought I putting my moves on you.... Trust me I wasnt. After you said let us just end it I was over it and just let things go its course.

After all this suffering for the past 3 weeks yesterday I had to meet my ex before Diana. I saw sharmini at east coast! A girl the played me out so badly after being together with her for so long! Just cause the girl before her was her friend she lied to everyone saying we werent together at all! We havent talked or seen each other in 4 years and yest she saw me she called out to me and ran to give me a hug!! wtf!!! Honestly I'm getting mind fucked every fucking day!! Its been haunting me since yesterday! Sharmini, we were so happy together, I gave up all my playboyness to be with you and you just threw me away like yesterdays trash! And after all that you can stilll hug me tightly ! You hurt me so much dude!!!! honestly!!!

After so long away from God I wanted to come back to you GOD! I went for novena service every week and even went mass today! After so many years! I didnt even think of praying for myself! I prayed for my family! My friend told me that I didnt lose anything cause I still had my family! So I went to pray for them! Pray for them to be strong! And for the $400,000 they invested and got cheated off to be back to them. I just prayed for them to stay together eventhough all this shit is happening.

Me & my brother have been in cold war since hell knows and today when waiting for the bus to go church he saw me at the bus stop and sat on the opposite side. Took the same bus as me and never talked. I loved my brother so much that I even went for fights for him cause ppl were bitching about him. He changed and treated me as a jail bird! Everyone does!

The thing that just hit my breaking point was today! My mum attempted suicide and I had to go bail her out for $3000!!! She couldnt handle the stress cause my dad thought she was cheating him off and was having an affair! after bailing her out I went home and caught my dad with his mistress!!! MY dad cheated on my mum!!!!!!!!!!! AND MY BROTHER DIDNT EVEN CARE!!!! This is the kinda of fucked up family I have. My mum left the house and threw her wedding ring away. She's at my grandma's house and Both my brother and dad are blaming me for everything that has happened!! My dad tried to disown me before! And both my brother and my dad just said that ever since I was born I cause problems to the family and I shouldnt be alive!!

GOD!!! WHAT IS THIS!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME! WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS!! WAS COMING BACK TO YOU WRONG! I WAS LOST GOD AND I WANTED TO COME BACK TO YOU! YOU JUST DONT WANT ME BACK ANYMORE! THE ONLY THING I HAD WORTH LIVING FOR WS MY FAMILY AND YOU ALLOWED TO BREAK UP TOO!!! WHY GOD WHY!! WHY AM I HAVING ALL THIS!! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD PROTECT ME! I THOUGHT YOU WILL LOVE ME FOREVER! IF I WAS LOST YOU SAID I COULD COME BACK TO YOU AND YOU WILL ACCEPT ME WITH OPEN ARMS! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH! WHY WHY WHY WHY FUCKING WHY!!!!!! TELL ME!!!!!! WHY DID YOU TEAR MY FAMILY UP LIKE THIS! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME IN SO MUCH SHIT! I ONCE PUT YOU BEFORE CAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS FORGIVING! WHY CANT YOU FORGIVE ME NOW AND ACCEPT ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had 12 cans of beer and finished 2 packs of cigarettes! I'm losing myself once again. I'm not cheery anymore! I once made people so happy! I don't know if I can joke around and be the cheery guy anymore....even today lynette kept asking why I've changed so much over the past few weeks. Its llike as if I'm not me.....People used to have me around cause I will always lighten the mood and break awkwardness.......

I used to be so optimistic in life and always see the brighter side. And now i'm just so insecure! Just like in the old days but worse. Why am I having all this insecurity. CAN SOMEONE JUST FUCKING ANSWER ME ALREADY! WHY IS THIS SHIT HAPPENING TO ME!!!

I just want to run away from all this! Just don't know what o live for anymore.......I want to be happy again! I want peace in my mind! I WANT TO BE KELVIN VALENTINO VICTOR AGAIN!!!!!!!

Save me pls just fucking save me from all this........................

God please don't throw me away, please

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Monday, October 3, 2011

@ 2:57 PM

Alright, can't believe im doing this after so long. Well here it goes. Things that happened in the past 2 years.

-Me and diana got together
-Went to ngee ann poly
-Joined triatholon
-Was keeping a high GPA
-Joined segway
- Met new friends
-Picked up smoking
-Picked up drinking excessively
- Made new enemies
- Increase in anger trigger points
- Me and diana ended our relationship
- Feel more alone then I've ever felt
- Did badly in school
- Currently.....Just confused

Guess its been a roller coaster ride and i was in the front seat.
In the past all my st pats bros where there now i only have Gerard and sometimes Husain left.
All those fuckers left just like that.
I used to play the guitar everyday and think of new lyrics for new songs
Now I barely touch my guitar anymore
I used to play soccer almost everyday
Now i rarely even touch the ball anymore
2 years ago I had everything figured out in life
Now reality has struck and I just don't know what to do anymore

Well i'm now in the office writing this and I just wished that someone can tell me, what am I to do. When I used to have God all in my life, it just seem to flow. It just seemed that everything is taken cared off. But now I dont know what to listen to or who to trust anymore. I gave into the temptations of society. Instead fighting against the dogs I became the dog. I just wished that God really did have a plan for me cause for now I dont have a plan for myself. Everything is just so confusing. I used to know what I want to do in life now I just don't know whats the next plan. I used to be the optimist but look at me now.

Honestly are people trying to mind fuck me on purpose? Is this for all the wrong I did in this fucking excuse for a life I had. If it is then thanks, I've been broken beyond repair and I just don't want anyone beside me anymore. I rather walk this world alone cause thats what the universe wants me to do.

HEY I CANT LIVE IN HERE ANOTHER DAY
DARKNESS HAS KEPT THE LIGHT CONCEALED
GRIM AS EVER
HOLD ONTO FAITH AS I DIG ANOTHER GRAVE
MEANWHILE THE MICE ENDURE THE WHEEL
REAL AS EVER
AND I'M CHAINED LIKE A SLAVE
TRAPPED IN THE DARK
SLAMS ALL THE LOCKS
DEATH CALLS MY NAME
AND IT SEEMS I'VE BEEN BURIED ALIVE

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Sunday, October 2, 2011

@ 7:16 PM

Hello my dear old friend, I've missed you for two fucking years. I just read up all my posts I used to write. I guess I didn't change.

I'M STILL THE FUCKING MISERABLE KID I WAS THEN AND STILL AM!!!

NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED! THINGS JUST GOT FUCKING WORSE!

Picked up smoking again and been smoking nearly a pack a day. Have been drinking for 2 weeks straight. So much for kicking those fucking habits.........

I don't know what to do now. I'm more lost than I ever was and this is the time period where I should get more stable and know what I want to do in life.....

Cause too many people too much problems....

All those worries and all the lies!!!!

What the fuck is wrong with me!!!

I dont know what happen to the " Leave it in the hands of god" side of me

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Thursday, July 16, 2009

@ 10:52 AM

Vally has lost control of all his emottions...
Vally has to stop his past from haunting him anymore
Vally has to stable his emotional health before suicidal memories return
Vally has to make sure that his past nvr comes back to his memories
Vally has lost control of himself
Vally feels that lonely feelings coming upon him again
Vally i going through de ja vu and his past is repeating
Vally has done bad things in his past
Vally is no more that bad guy he used to be
Vally is going through depression and is showing it out
Vally has to make sure he does not leak any of his sadness or burdens out
Vally just wants to be alone for awhile
Vally is not bad
Vally has to one to seek or find for help
Vally has only GOD with him
Simply put....vally is going emo again...and he just hates it!!! I DONT WANT MY PAST BACK!!!I FREAKING THREW IT AWAY!!! STOP COMING BACK!!!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY NOW!!! ITS NO MORE LIKE HOW IT USED TO BE!! I need to control all this emotions and stop my emotions from controlling me...its just so hard when sadness is feeling u and all those nasty sad memories come back...I just cant help it when ppl talk bout my past or everyday things remind me of it.....it just brings me back to the old me where i love to hide behind that mask...hide behind the shell...GOD PLEASE LOOK OVER ME....I just couldnt sleep yest night cause all those thoughts and miseries haunt me!! I just want them to go away for good....

VALLY JUST NEEDS HIS TIME ALONE!!!!!
DO NOT DISTURB TILL WHENEVER!

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Friday, July 10, 2009

@ 12:05 AM

Just finished talking to baby and i just feel really bad for venting out my anger on her....i just need to find a substitute to let go all over this rage and pain....im just getting angry just talking bout him....that asshole has just been makin my life more stressful.Not only in my relationship but in church. He thinks hes just too good for everyone...well reality check...no1 likes u or cares bout u...and stop acting your a big shot cause your freaking not!!! YOUR JUST A FUCKING BALLESS DUMBFUCK WHO WANTS TO ONLY ACT TOUGH AT HOME BUT IN FRONT OF ME YOUR BALLS SHRINK UP TILL THEY ARE AS TINY AS ANTS!!!IF YOU HAD THE FUCKING BALLS YOU WOULD CONFRONT ME ON ISSUES YOU HAVE WITH ME AND NOT GOSSIP OR TALK AROUND LIKE A FREAKING SISSY!!! IM just super pissed...i just gettin back my anger....the same one i used to have when i was in my gang...i just cant stand it that this guy thinks he so big and bad when i have beaten up and fought guys way tougher and bgger than him....and he just has a big fat ego thinkin hes too good for everyone and its not helping himself or the church he serves in at all!!! Its just freaking irritating...i swear if he crosses my path again im freaking goan kill him cause im not scared of death!!!!!He just wana act tough when im not around but when im there he just so scared he acts nice and talks to me nicely....GOD i know you are overseeing all this...i just dont know what your plan is but its hard to believe that this is all part of your plan and doing....i just pray for calmness....let me not lose my anger anymore...i just wana say sorry to my baby diana:(:(:(...im sosos sorry for shouting at u and venting all this anger on u...i just pray for gods protection for us and ask that he keeps us safe and the ppl around us safe from harm...Going for healing rally this sat...i can really use all the healing i can get cause seriously....im really troubled and really need all the healing i can get..lord god don't give up on me and i just want to thank you for guiding me all this years and helping me...just safe your ppl from what is going to be a big destruction...

& to feel yours on mine again♥

♥Tuesday, June 16, 2009

@ 8:21 AM

Just got back from camp....and slept for bout 15 hours...not enough rest i guess...well camp was fun at the last day alot of sec 3's really opened up to god and was really suprised to know that. WWJD was really fun eventhough there were a few mishaps were they started calling rachel a witch and all the boys wacked up steven....had to do some scolding after that but i guess they really understood how bad things can get when they are put to be really low in their life...guess i too understand cause i really couldnt believe i lost my temper to them....anw the next day prayover is when things went abit wary....things were not going all right and i was scared that it was cause i didnt fast and pray enough....the kids were not prepared at all....and guess it was really scary being the most spiritual part of the camp. But thankfully we came in together at the last moment to really pray and unite together and keept satan away from the place. BUt as you know...The more we bind and cast satan out...the more he comes back to return. While we were praying over the presence of satan was there. all of use had to cast him out. Alot of them really opened up after that. After prayover some of the oldies met with us and we discussed about it...they talked about it and gab confirmed that devil was there in our mist. Satan is a sore loser who lost the war and just cant admit it. We all talked it out and things got abit cleared and better. After that jock was talking to me about st michael the archangel and i suddenly just remembered about my aunt told me before that st michael was my guardian angel and that i had to pray to him for him to guide me. Before we left we prayed and we also said the prayer to st michael the archangel.

Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him,
we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell,
satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Guess alot of us have forgotten about prayer...and i have forgotten how devil can easily attack to those who are closer to god. Our fear of devil is the thing that makes him stronger day by day. I should always remeber to pray to st michael the archangel to protect me and the people around me from the evil and influence of satan and save god's people from the devil. As i prepare for the sec1&2 camp i will keep this prayer in mind and pray for the guidance of god and the holy spirit to proclaim the word of god and to show that i do belive in my lord god.

& to feel yours on mine again♥

MY TWITS:D